When I went to Heaven

I was quite surprised that they let me in at all.
Once, when I was quite poor, I used to steal things from shops.
Just cheese and packets of bacon and stuff like that. They didn't have CCTV back in those days, so as long as you were careful, you could get away with it easily enough.
So I got into heaven, and the first person I met was Hitler.
I went to God, and I said, "What the hell is he doing here?"
God said, " He met the criteria."
"He met the criteria? That man tried to wipe out Jews and Gypsies and homos, and black people, and he wasn't very nice."
"He was just trying to look after his peoples' interests. He was a good shepherd."
"A good shepherd? He was a very bad person! And I don't think he deserves to be here. Speaking of which, where is my Dad?"
"He's in the other place."
"The other place? You mean Hell?"
"Yes."
"My Dad is in Hell? My Dad was a really nice man. Why does he have to go to Hell, and Hitler gets to come here? Hitler doesn't even play golf, and my Dad would love the great courses you have here."
"They are good, aren't they?"
"I don't know, because I don't play the game myself, but aren't we kind of getting off the point here?"
"What point is that?"
"The point is, Hitler is here, and my Dad is in Hell. It doesn't seem fair, somehow."
"Well, let me tell you all about it." says God.
"Around 1978, I was developing a new creature. I had been working on it for ages. It was an insect. My eye-sight isn't what it used to be, but I managed to get the legs and everything assembled. This insect was going to change the world. It would have cancelled out all the effects of global warming, which people hadn't really started to think about back then."
"But you had?"
"Of course I had, for My sake. I'm God!"
"So where do my Dad and Hitler come into this?"
"Well. The insect seemed to survive best in a wet, temperate climate, so I chose to trial it in Northern Ireland."
"Go on."
Well, I implanted them, a male and a female, on the kitchen floor of 11 Doagh Road, thinking they will breed, and save the planet. Sexual reproduction among animals was one of my finer inventions, wouldn't you agree?"
"Chance would be a fine thing. But go on."
"Your Dad, while walking across the kitchen to put the kettle on one Saturday afternoon, stepped on both of them, killing them instantly."
"Well, that was hardly his fault. Could you not just have made another two?"
"No. I had lost the blue-prints."
"So my Dad is in Hell for that, and Hitler is here in Heaven?"
"Afraid so."